39| Stay Sane This Holiday Season with a Healthy Boundary Practice (Free Doc Inside)
Repeat after me. No. Or more politely, No, thank you. Or try this one. Oh, I would, but I don't want to.
Kelsey Redd:Those are just three options of things that you can say this holiday season to keep you sane. Today, we're talking about simplifying so you can stay sane during the holidays. And guess what? That's going to mean you might have to say no. Let's get started.
Kelsey Redd:Hi friends, welcome to Intentional Motherhood. I'm your host, Kelsey Redd, and today we are diving into a topic that is near and dear to every mom's heart, especially during the holiday season. This season is supposed to be magical, filled with joy and family and twinkling lights, but it can also feel like a whirlwind of chaos, of obligations, of guilt, and just that nagging sense of overwhelm. And I have created, as I often do, a worksheet that guides you through all the steps in this podcast. So you're going to want to check the show notes and the description below to find your link to that worksheet.
Kelsey Redd:Make sure you get on my email list so that you can always know what's coming up and get these kinds of offers sent straight to your inbox. So if you feel like right now you are just juggling all the wishlists and school events and parties, family gatherings, work parties, and just trying not to lose your mind in the process, this episode is for you. And oh yeah, aren't we supposed to be celebrating Christ and his birth and focusing on the reason for the season? Oh yeah, let's try to tie that in today too. Today, are talking about how to stay sane during the holidays by simplifying, simplifying your holiday commitments and obligations, learning to say no without any guilt, holding boundaries after you do say no, and really just zeroing in on what really truly matters to you and your family, your core values.
Kelsey Redd:So to make this really powerful, I'm gonna be quoting a lot from one of my all time favorite books by Melissa Urban. It's called The Book of Set the Limits That Will Set You Free. If you haven't read it yet, total game changer for anyone who's ever felt like they are maybe a people pleaser like me, or felt stretched too thin, this is a go to book. I'm honestly probably gonna do an episode that talks way more about this, just boundaries in general in the future, but this time we're just going to be focusing specifically on this holiday time. Okay, so first up, how can we simplify the holidays?
Kelsey Redd:I know that we have this pressure as moms to create perfect memories. I feel it, I want to do it, I want everything to be perfect, I want it all to be adorable. I want to bake the cookies from scratch. I want to decorate every inch of the house. And of course we want to go to all the parties.
Kelsey Redd:But I think by now we have recognized this truth that more is not always better. Simplifying means we're just stripping back to what is really essential for bringing real joy, not just all the Pinterest moments and the Instagram worthy snapshots and the instant gratification of all the many things that we could, that could really just consume all the days of this month of December. Because think about it, do you really need to host the massive dinner for 20 people? Or could you simplify by creating a cozy potluck with some close family members? So the first thing I want you to do is I want you to audit your holiday to do list.
Kelsey Redd:List all the invitations, list all the ideas of all the cute things you wanna do, list all the traditions, list anything that feels like I'm supposed to do this, This is just the way we always do it, so it has to go on the list. Write them all down. And then I want you to cross off anything that drains your energy without adding value to your family and your life. As Melissa Urban, the author of The Book of Boundaries reminds us, boundaries should help us reclaim our time, our energy, our capacity, our physical space, and our mental health. When we simplify, we're not just being lazy, but you're actually protecting your sanity so that you can show up fully for the things that do really matter to you and for the people who matter the most to you.
Kelsey Redd:So for example, if baking cookies from scratch and decorating them with homemade frosting stresses you out, like it honestly stresses me out a little bit, just buy the cookies this year. That's okay. Or maybe you decide to limit gifts to experiences like a family movie night instead of piles of more and more stuff that's going to be accumulating in your home. Again, that's just me speaking as an extreme minimalist that gets stressed out by the new things that come into the home this time of year. All of this ties right into focusing on your values that we're gonna talk about later.
Kelsey Redd:But remember this, simplicity creates space for peace and presence. You might actually find that when you start cutting things out, cutting out all the fluff, all the extra, all the obligatory things that you felt like you were just supposed to do, that you might actually find some of your favorite holiday moments are the low key, peaceful, quiet moments where you're not stressed, where you're just fully present with your kids and your family, enjoying maybe a new tradition. Maybe you create some new precedents for what you're gonna do in the future years because you realize the beauty of the simplicity and the calmness this time of year. Okay, next, saying no. This is a tough one.
Kelsey Redd:I understand for all you people pleasers out there right now, your skin is probably starting to crawl and you're thinking, I can't, there's no way I can say no to my family, to the work parties, to the school stuff, all the things that are going on, but this is your permission. I'm giving you permission. And if you need to write yourself a permission slip and post it on your bathroom mirror so that you know you have permission to say no. I feel like this time of year, the invitations just start flying in. Can you volunteer for the school party?
Kelsey Redd:Can you bake something for this party? Will you host this neighborhood cookie swap? All the things family wants to come in and stay at your house. Is that okay with you? Is any of this sounding familiar to you?
Kelsey Redd:Saying no feels scary because especially as women, we've been conditioned to be ultimate people pleasers. Melissa Urban points out in actually a article specifically about holding boundaries during the holiday season, which I'll link below, that women are often conditioned our entire lives to not have our own needs. And we're praised for being selfless, quote, quote, selfless, while being called selfish if we choose to express our needs. The point here is that if we can practice kindly, but firmly saying no, without overexplaining, that does not take away from anyone else. Meeting our own needs does not take away from anyone else.
Kelsey Redd:Boundaries are there to protect our sanity. So I'm gonna give you some scripts. Honestly, I love having scripts. You've probably noticed that by now in this podcast. So I want you to try this script.
Kelsey Redd:No, thank you. We're focusing on keeping things low key this year. Or maybe even to family, to a family invitation. I really appreciate the invitation, but we're keeping our schedule light to avoid burnout this holiday season. Saying no isn't about rejecting other people, it's about honoring your limits.
Kelsey Redd:And guess what? It's gonna free up time for the yeses that really do light you up and that get you excited and that energize you rather than deplete you, which might just be snuggling with your kids by a fire during a Christmas movie night. And that's okay, that's allowed. That's allowed. And if guilt does start to creep in, remind yourself that you can't pour from an empty cup.
Kelsey Redd:So setting boundaries is not selfish. It's actually critical to maintaining a full cup so that we can do things without burnout and resentment. You guys know I've talked about that a lot in the past too. So start small, maybe just say no to one extra commitment this week, practice, start now, and build from there. Honestly, this might be an ongoing process for the next few years until you find the rhythm of the holidays that feels perfect for your family.
Kelsey Redd:You might even end up experimenting with cutting a lot of things out and then realizing, you know what, we kind of missed that one family party. Let's incorporate that back into the holidays next year. Or you know what, I thought I cut out enough, but I didn't. We're cutting more out next year. Experiment with it.
Kelsey Redd:So it's one thing to learn to say no, to set a boundary, but let's talk about holding those boundaries once you've set them. This is where the rubber meets the road, especially when it comes to well meaning friends and relatives who tend to push your boundaries. And we all know that holidays can kind of dredge up some old family dynamics, making you feel like you're reverting back into your family of origin role again, as like a kid again, feeling pressured to keep the peace at all costs and just take care of everyone else. It's very normal to revert back into childhood family dynamics when you're with your family of origin. So being aware of that and knowing ahead of time that I'm going to hold some certain boundaries and I'm going to take accountability for how I allow other people to engage with me is actually a really mature way to approach your family dynamic.
Kelsey Redd:And I want you to remember this key point about boundaries. And if I ever do another boundary episode, you'll hear me repeat this a million times. Boundaries don't tell someone else what to do, but it does tell them what you will do. So it's not about control. It's not about telling everyone else, this is what you all need to do.
Kelsey Redd:But it is saying, if this situation comes up, this is what I will do. Or this is what I'm going to do this year to keep myself sane, but you're welcome to do whatever feels comfortable to you. And I recommend especially for holidays to set these expectations early. Melissa Urban suggests saying something like, Hey, mom and dad, I'm really looking forward to seeing you this Christmas. But just so you know, we're going to be spending Christmas morning at home just with our family.
Kelsey Redd:Setting that expectation early so that people know what to expect and you're all on the same page and you're not feeling pressured into something at the last minute and you're not knowing how to react or respond to this pressure. And if people do push back, you have to hold that boundary firmly and with kindness. For instance, going back to the example, if there's some pushback from you know, oh, we always do Christmas morning together, this is the way we always do it. I'm sorry that we won't be spending that morning with you. But this is how we're choosing to do Christmas this year.
Kelsey Redd:Can you feel the anxiety? I can feel it just saying that. And so in my worksheet, and I'm telling you now, but go grab that worksheet below, practice, come up with your scripts and practice saying them out loud until it starts to feel natural. I know that's gonna sound crazy, but sometimes like me just saying that out loud onto this podcast, it's like, it feels a little anxiety inducing. Speaking of anxiety, here's a key for you.
Kelsey Redd:This is a quote from Melissa Urban that I love. She says, Feeling dread or anxiety around the idea of spending time with someone or doing something is the loudest sign that a boundary is needed. Listen to that inner voice, right? Listen to your body, listen to your emotions. It's your cue to protect your space and your peace.
Kelsey Redd:So if you're feeling immense dread and anxiety about a certain expectation or obligation, that's probably a good cue that that is exactly where you need a boundary. And I'll just say this because I bring it up a lot and I want to tie it into this aspect as well, that our kids are watching us. We are modeling family dynamics. We're modeling self respect and boundary holding for our children, and they are watching us. And this is how they will learn what is expected.
Kelsey Redd:This is how they will learn if they are going to be the people pleasers later on in life, or they'll learn that I have the right to create boundaries and to hold boundaries. I saw my parents do that in my childhood, and now I feel like I have that permission. Maybe they won't grow up as people pleasing as we did. Okay, finally, as we have simplified and we've set boundaries, we've maybe said no, and we've cleared some space. Now I want you to think about what do you want to bring into your holiday experience?
Kelsey Redd:And you're going to do this by focusing on your values. During this holiday hustle, it's really easy to lose sight of what you care the most about and what's most important to you and to start just keeping up with all the things and running from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next. But I want you to stop, slow down, and take a moment to reflect on these questions. What are your top values? Maybe it's family connection.
Kelsey Redd:Maybe it's rest. Maybe it's a Christ centered Christmas. And what experiences would allow you to prioritize those top values? And that's what you should be aligning your holidays with. If family time is key for you, then prioritize some quiet nights rather than another party.
Kelsey Redd:If worship and focusing on Christ is what is really important to you this time of year, then make sure you're taking some time to do some service or to find some nativities to look at or to read the Bible story of Christ's birth. So that when it comes to the end of this holiday season, you can look back and say, Oh, I'm so glad that we focused on what we cared about, rather than, Oh man, we never even got to this thing that I really wanted to do because you were so over scheduled with other things. So I'll just wrap up with this last thought, which is you deserve a holiday season. You as the mom and with your family deserve a holiday season that is sane, is peaceful, is joyful, and is true to what matters to you. You have permission to set boundaries and to simplify.
Kelsey Redd:So simplify wherever you can, Say no with grace and kindness, but hold the boundaries with firmness and let your values guide your way. And I'll just end with one more Melissa Urban quote. She says, Your comfort, your joy, the sense of magic and wonder that the holidays can bring are all at your disposal this year with a healthy boundary practice. So I highly recommend grabbing your copy of The Book of Boundaries. It's packed with scripts and strategies.
Kelsey Redd:I love it. And as usual, connect with me on Instagram creating. Intentional. Mothers or comment below, like, share, rate, review this podcast. And don't forget to grab your Google Doc with this whole process spelled out for you.
Kelsey Redd:Thank you so much for tuning in. Happy holidays as we go into December. And remember, you're doing an amazing job. I'll see you next time on Intentional Motherhood.