36| Why Your Kids Listen to Their Friends More Than You (& How to Fix It)
Hi, friends. Welcome back to Intentional Motherhood, where we explore what it means to raise wholehearted kids while staying grounded as mothers in the process. I'm your host, Kelsey Redd, a homeschooling, stay at home mom of four, formerly a mental health counselor. And I'm right there with you learning how to parent with intention, with grace and connection. And before we get started, I just want to remind you to check the show notes below for links to any of the many resources that I have created that go along with many of the podcast episodes, as well as to get on my email list so that you can be the first one to know when we are ready to start our prayer focused Bible study group.
Kelsey Redd:I'm thinking honestly that that's gonna start probably in January because it is already November and before we know it's Thanksgiving and Christmas and I have so many fun traditions that I do with my kids around this time of year that I don't want that to be distracted by other things. I love just diving into this time of year. So be looking out for that Bible study coming up in January, but make sure you're on the email list before that so you can find out everything you need to know about it. And today, as I promised in previous episodes, we are diving deeper into a book that really changed the way I think about parenting. And it's called Hold On To Your Kids by Doctor.
Kelsey Redd:Gordon Neufeld and Doctor. Gabor Mate. And if you've ever looked at your child and thought, why does it seem like they listen to their friends more than me? This episode is for you. So let's get started.
Kelsey Redd:So I've referenced this book several times in previous podcast episodes. And the reason why is because it comes back to that ultimate need for connection and attachment that all human beings have. And it helps us to understand our relationship with our kids as well as their relationship with their peers in this attachment theory. And I feel really strongly about it because we are being taught that we should be outsourcing our children to the school system and to the sports programs and to all the outside influences that create this attachment towards peers over attachment to parents. And this is truly concerning because we know that when the family is neglected and when children are raised by other children and when children don't have strong adult figures to help guide their values and their learning, we see the problems in our society that we're seeing now.
Kelsey Redd:We see crime up, we see drug use up, we see unhealthy sexual behaviors all increase. And I truly believe that this is centered around the disintegration of the family. In fact, in the proclamation to the family that the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints published back in 1995, which interestingly is around the same time that this book was being researched and written. This book was originally published in the early 2000s. So back in 1995, there was already concern about issues related to our society not understanding and recognizing the value and importance of the family.
Kelsey Redd:So near the end of that proclamation, this is what it says. We warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets. We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society. It is truly prophetic to me that back in 1995, the president and leading councils of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints was calling upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote the family as the fundamental unit of society. And I think we are seeing what happened as we even got confused about what genders are, right?
Kelsey Redd:How far we have come since the days of thirty years ago, that we have to define genders and we have to define what a family traditionally should look like. And of course, there's exceptions to the ideal. That is always the case. And I only have the highest respect for those who are trying to make the best of their family situation based on the circumstances that they're dealing with. But the point is that for most of human history, attachments and belonging were centered around a family unit.
Kelsey Redd:Traditionally, this consisted of a multigenerational family unit parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, even community elders. But somewhere along the way, especially in our modern culture, that shifted. Around the time of the Industrial Revolution, we started seeing fathers being taken out of the home, men being drafted into wars, and eventually even children being outsourced into the public education system. And now even more so because there's so much emphasis on these peer relationships and social media makes it so that there is constant connection. There is no escaping the peers and retreating back into the home and with the family because of the constant connection that's available through devices and social media.
Kelsey Redd:So now instead of looking up to parents, many kids have started to look sideways to their peers for that sense of belonging that they need, that attachment that they need. And the authors of this book call this Peer Orientation. And they argue that this is one of the biggest threats to our kids' emotional health and their spiritual growth today. And remember, this book was written back in the early 2000s. I was shocked when I found that out because when I was reading it, it just felt so relevant.
Kelsey Redd:It felt like, Oh yeah, I can understand that this is a major issue that is facing the rising generation. And then I realized that they were talking about this twenty years ago and they had no idea what was coming. They had no idea that the iPhone was about to be in every tween's hand and that social media would change, literally change the world as we knew it. So now it's even 10 times more relevant than they could have imagined, the authors could have imagined when they wrote this book originally. That being said, did add a chapter on social media in a reprinting because they probably saw what we're seeing that this is so much more than they could have ever imagined.
Kelsey Redd:So let's talk about how peer orientation happens. It looks like kids caring more about what their friends think than about what we as their parents think of them. One symptom that you'll see is children's moods rising and falling with peer approval. And I want to touch on this a little bit more because there is a really insidious threat with having all of your belonging and attachment and need to fit in and validation connected to peers who actually don't even have the emotional maturity to provide unconditional acceptance and love. And the problem that we're seeing is that our children are highly susceptible to severe depression and even suicide if they feel like they are kicked out of their tribe, because that is one of the biggest fears of humans is to be kicked out of your tribe.
Kelsey Redd:But if your tribe is made up of emotionally immature children who are also dealing with their own concerns about feeling accepted or not accepted and feeling self conscious about who they're interacting with, then you have, it's like the blind leading the blind, and you have a very volatile situation that's connected to our most primal human need for belonging and carries very, very heavy consequences. Another symptom of this peer orientation is as parents feeling like you're losing influence, feeling like nothing we say gets through. And it's not because we've failed as parents, but it's because our culture constantly pulls our kids away from us through long school days, through the social media, through early childcare, and even just our own busyness. So when the kids are not getting enough connection at home, they will attach wherever they can, whoever they're spending the most time with often, and that's usually their peers. And again, as I said, the problem is that peers do not have the maturity to offer unconditional love or stability or acceptance for your children the way you do, because they are just as immature, insecure, and searching in blindness for their own acceptance as our kids are.
Kelsey Redd:God designed families so that parents would be the primary guides and the emotional anchors. And that's why the parental relationship is the most important relationship. So to understand attachment a little bit more, Doctor. Neufeld explains that attachment is the emotional glue that makes influence possible. And he talked about six levels of attachment that kids naturally move through as they mature.
Kelsey Redd:The first stage when you have a little baby is proximity, just wanting to be near you all the time. I'm in that stage with my one year old right now. The next level of attachment is sameness, copying you, imitating your mannerisms. You maybe have seen this. I saw a meme the other day that was so funny.
Kelsey Redd:It said, You never realize how annoying you are until you make a little mini me and see them mimicking everything you do. And I thought, yes, I have one of those too. The next level of attachment is belonging and loyalty. This is that wanting to be yours, wanting to be in the tribe. Fourth level is significance, and that is just wanting to know that they matter deeply to the person they're attached to.
Kelsey Redd:Fifth level is love and just the expression of affection. And lastly, the highest level of attachment is being fully known, being able to open their hearts and share who they are with the people they're attached to. And so when we maintain these layers of connection, our influence grows naturally because they want to be near you. They want to imitate you because you matter to them and they want to matter to you and they want to know that they belong by being part of the tribe. When it's so important to you to be part of the tribe, you will do what it takes to fit into that tribe.
Kelsey Redd:And when that tribe is your family, and when your values are being demonstrated daily in your home, then children naturally want to imitate what would make it so that they fit in the most. And of course, this language sounds familiar because we're all so used to that feeling of wanting to fit in. It's just the issue is with whom do we want to fit in? Do we want to fit in with our home family tribe? Or are we so concerned about fitting in with our peer tribe?
Kelsey Redd:So if you're starting to feel concerned like, yes, I recognize this. Yes, I see that my children are peer oriented more than parental oriented. What do we do now? How do we restore that bond? I love the phrase that these authors used.
Kelsey Redd:And you heard me talk about it in another episode, he talks about collecting and he actually says the collecting dance. And I love this idea of collecting your child's heart. And we need to constantly be collecting our child's heart before trying to correct and control behavior, before trying to control who they get to spend time with. We have to first give them positive attention so that they want to be with us. This just looks like having positive interactions through eye contact and smiles.
Kelsey Redd:Always starting with warmth and curiosity instead of frustration and punishment. And inviting connection, inviting relationship rather than only demanding obedience. In these tiny moments, whether it's the bedtime snuggles, the shared meals, even the car rides, some of those sacred rituals that I've talked about in other episodes, this is where your child starts to learn, this is where I belong. I matter here. I'm a part of this tribe.
Kelsey Redd:So practically speaking, what does this look like? What does this collecting? What does this holding on to your children look like in your daily life? And the authors do make note of the fact that when your children are highly peer oriented, it's going to feel like you are taking something that is necessary for their survival away from them if you do try to limit their interactions with their peers, and that's going to be a phase that you have to get through. So be prepared to know that if this is a shift you're gonna have to make, you might have a transition period where your children are really upset because they are feeling like they're being pulled away from the attachments that matter the most to them, which is why it's so important that we give them the positive attention to collect them back to us.
Kelsey Redd:A few ideas that you've heard me talk about that will sound familiar to you are slowing down the schedule so that you can have space for connection in a way that has safe boundaries around the family. Of course, we can prioritize family rituals like mealtimes, bedtimes, maybe a Sabbath routine or prayers. Like I said, you're going to have to limit peer and screen time when you notice that it is beginning to replace family time and recognize that that's going to be difficult for them. And lastly, you can lead with confidence. Your kids want to follow you.
Kelsey Redd:They want to belong to you. Even when they don't act like it, that is the most secure and stable attachment that they can possibly have. Don't allow them to have to rely on peer and social relationships to know that they're loved and accepted. You have to provide that because nobody else can provide it as well as you can, as unconditionally as you can. So most importantly, let love be the atmosphere of your home.
Kelsey Redd:Let it be a place of belonging and acceptance and unconditional love. And I just want to leave you with this thought. Children were never meant to earn love, which is the way it has to be in the peer orientation world. They are meant to rest in love. They are meant to feel safe and held in love.
Kelsey Redd:And that is what parents and the family is designed to do in God's plan. When we can allow them to just rest in that love, then the emotional maturity and independence naturally can follow. So remember, of course, your role is not to be perfect as a mom, none of us are. But can we be present? Can we hold on to our kids through connection and affection and unconditional love and acceptance?
Kelsey Redd:Give them what the world and their peers can never give them, which is a steady anchor in love. Because that's what the whole motherhood journey is about. Not raising kids who just behave well, but raising kids who know they belong. Belong to God, belong to their family. And ultimately, that's what allows them to belong to themselves through a strong sense of self identity.
Kelsey Redd:Well, I hope this episode resonated with you. And if it did, share it with a mom, rate and review the show. And of course, get on my email list. Find me on Instagram creating. Intentional.
Kelsey Redd:Mothers. I would love to be in touch. And until next time, remember, you are doing an amazing job.