33| Why Your Kid's Boredom Is Really a Call for Connection
E33

33| Why Your Kid's Boredom Is Really a Call for Connection

Kelsey Redd:

Hi, friends. Welcome to Intentional Motherhood, where we explore what it means to raise wholehearted kids while staying grounded as mothers in the process. I'm your host, Kelsey Redd, stay at home mom of four, homeschooler, clinical mental health counselor, and your adventurous mindful parenting guide. Together, we're going to talk about emotional wellness, faith, and family rhythms that will bring more peace, connection, and presence into your home. So let's get started.

Kelsey Redd:

So if you caught last week's episode titled The Gift of Boredom, we talked about how boredom isn't a crisis that we have to fix with all the quick fixes like screens or activities, structured play dates, crafts, all of those kinds of things, because actually boredom is a really beautiful gift and it's the birthplace of creativity, imagination, and innovation. But I want to actually take this idea a little deeper based on something that I've just been reading in this last week that talked all about boredom as actually an attachment and relationship issue. And because I just did this episode on boredom, and now I'm coming up on this information about how boredom can be a relational cue, I just thought it would be really appropriate timing to bring it up. So I decided to just insert this little part two episode onto The Gift of Boredom from last week. And of course, I'll link everything in show notes.

Kelsey Redd:

So go ahead and jump onto my show notes to find a link to this book that will I'll be referring to, as well as all my printables, handouts, even a fillable journal and courses that I have coming up that I would love to see you in. Okay, so let's jump into it. This principle that I'm gonna talk about today comes from one of my new favorite parenting books that I just finished reading called Hold On to Your Kids by Doctor. Gordon Neufeld and Doctor. Gabor Mate.

Kelsey Redd:

And this book is all, the whole premise is that children have shifted their primary attachment onto peers rather than to parents where their attachment should lie with their parents. And it's really interesting to me because this book was actually written in the early 2000s, which I didn't realize because I had just heard of it. And so it was new to me. And when I was listening to it, I just felt like it was so relevant. They talked about how, you know, kids are getting more and more reliant on their peers for their primary attachment figures rather than their parents.

Kelsey Redd:

And it just between the school system and the way kids play and the way kids are connected constantly on social media, I just again felt like it was so relevant. And then I started hearing these references to things like instant messaging and stuff from the 90s. And I was like, what the heck? When was this book written? And I realized it was written in the early 2000s.

Kelsey Redd:

And so I couldn't, I really couldn't believe that it was so relevant back then. And it was already being seen as a serious issue and concern that we needed to be talking about. And yet here we are now twenty years after the original publication, and it's just so much more relevant. It has gotten so much worse in those last twenty years. And there was a chapter added about, you know, the new issue of social media that wasn't even an issue back when the original, the book was originally published.

Kelsey Redd:

But again, the premise all focuses around attachment, which you're going hear me talk about probably so much in this podcast generally, because it's a very major philosophy in the mental health field because attachment and our attachments to our parents and even to our spouses are placed such a major role in our mental well-being. And so this book was highly relevant to me and highly engaging to me because I have such an emphasis on attachment from my clinical practice. So let's just break this down to its very simplest principle, which is at its core attachment is simply this, that we as humans are wired to connect. Children are wired to connect. They need relationships.

Kelsey Redd:

They need to be oriented around someone, someone that they can imitate, someone they can learn from, someone they feel safe with, someone they take cues from. And this starts from birth, right? I've talked about that window from zero to three being the most important, the most critical age for building attachment because that's when an infant who literally cannot take care of themselves starts to learn about the world around them and whether or not they have a loving, present attachment figure who will provide for all of their needs when they cry and in the way babies do communicate. And this only continues through our life, through childhood, through adolescence and into adulthood when our attachment shifts onto our primary attachment figure in romantic relationships. So actually this principle of attachment, I will talk about it from infants, children all the way through to actually how our marriages are working, because we have to have that attachment between spouses.

Kelsey Redd:

So going back to the principle of this, how this relates to boredom, is basically that when the someone that the child is oriented around is their parent or their caregiver or a responsible and loving adult, things tend to flow smoothly and naturally. Kids are calmer and more cooperative because, again, remember they are oriented around this primary attachment figure. And when they're oriented around them, they actually want to imitate them. They want to connect with that attachment figure by imitating their values and by imitating their behaviors and by learning from what they see this primary attachment figure doing. Do you see why it's so critical that that primary attachment figure is a loving, caring parent or caregiver?

Kelsey Redd:

The problem comes when that attachment starts to shift. When peers, or even screens, I would say, digital friends or other outside influences start filling that attachment role, they start to want to imitate those people. They want to connect their values with that attachment figure. They take their cues on what's appropriate and what's not appropriate from that attachment figure. And our influence weakens because their attachment is not firmly attached to us as the parent or the caregiver.

Kelsey Redd:

So the child is looking to other sources, their other attachment figures, which in this book they're proposing that this is mainly becomes a peer or a set of peers that they spend the majority of their time with. That's where the child is looking to for their identity and their direction. And this, as the author says, is one of the quiet crises of our time. Because of this major concern, I think you can start to even just imply what it looks like when, if your children are primarily attached with to other peers, why we start to see things that resemble the hunger games between same aged peers, because they're turning to each other for cues, they're basing their values and what is appropriate and not socially appropriate on each other. It's like the blind leading the blind versus children who are strongly attached to parents and actually multiple adult attachment figures who are leading by example and showing through their behavior what is appropriate and what appropriate normal social behavior should look like, how responsibility is demonstrated, all those things that adults would naturally demonstrate to children.

Kelsey Redd:

Instead, they're seeing what children are teaching to children. Okay, so what does this have to do with boredom? Well, boredom is one of those moments where the attachment system activates. And this is what I learned in the book just recently. And I almost felt like I needed to like somewhat correct what I said before.

Kelsey Redd:

I mentioned that, you know, when a child says, I'm bored, it can be like an opportunity to encourage creativity and to encourage imaginative play and independent play. But in this book, Hold on to Your Kids, the authors actually explain that when a child says I'm bored, it's not even necessarily always about needing more stimulation. Sometimes it's actually about needing reconnection. The child saying I'm bored is really saying I feel disconnected from something meaningful. And I need help finding my way back to something meaningful.

Kelsey Redd:

And here's what we typically see happens. This is what I was explaining in the last episode, we rush to fill that space with something like the screens, the new toys, like a play date, like an activity. It's almost automatic, we feel like we're helping because we're trying to help that child find something to do when they're bored. But what we're doing is actually teaching them to look outside of themselves for fulfillment instead of towards relationship, relationship with self or relationship with their primary attachment figure. Or even as I proposed in the last episode, the presence of God, the Holy Spirit, the ability to go inward and find that connection.

Kelsey Redd:

So I talked a little bit about why these quick fixes tend to backfire. And of course, don't get me wrong, none of these things are bad in moderation. And when especially you know, we're at a doctor's office and we need something to occupy someone for a little while, but it's when they become the default. And they create a pattern where the child's emotional void, because that's what we're seeing the I'm bored as is actually an emotional void, when that continually gets filled by distractions rather than connections. So the book explains it like this: Whoever or whatever consistently fills your child's moments of emptiness or boredom becomes their attachment figure in that space.

Kelsey Redd:

So if every time they feel disconnected, we hand them a screen, then the screen becomes the soothing presence. If every time they say they're bored and lonely, we tell them to go run to friends instead of us, then that's who they're bonding with. It's like, think of this I'm bored moment as an extra sensitive opportunity for connection. So they're going to connect when they're feeling that emptiness, that boredom, that needing to connect with something meaningful, needing to engage in something meaningful, it's like they're extra receptive. And they are just going to soak up whatever we put in that space.

Kelsey Redd:

It's like a vacuum. So we put a screen in front of them, they attach to the screen. We put friends in front of them, they attach to friends. But when we as their parental and primary attachment figure step into that space, with warmth, with attention, with some sort of shared positive interaction, maybe working on chores together or playing games together, then we reestablish ourselves as the anchor in their need for attachment. And from that place of security, then the child can move back into play, curiosity, and creativity even alone again within themselves.

Kelsey Redd:

So it's actually twofold, both reinserting ourselves into the void as their primary attachment figure and also helping them to regulate so that they realize that they can look inward for their own fulfilment rather than always having to seek soothing or attachment or regulation from something external. So the next time your child says, I'm bored, try shifting your mindset instead of, Oh no, this is something I need to fix. Think, Okay, this is a moment to reconnect. This is that void that I get to choose what I put into this space. That is such a powerful opportunity for parents.

Kelsey Redd:

What might that look like? It might look like inviting them to help you cook dinner or do whatever chore it is you're doing. Even inviting them to come help you while you water the garden, giving them maybe a simple responsibility or just being sitting beside them sharing, like I said, that positive interaction just for a moment, just so that they know that you, you are the primary attachment figure, you are their anchor. The authors in this book, Hold On To Your Kids, talk about the need to collect our children, which I love. I love this idea because they talk about how when the attachment shifts onto peers, the only thing we can do is start to make a more intentional effort to collect our children back to us, collect them back to us.

Kelsey Redd:

And that needs to be done through positivity, through unconditional acceptance and love, not through criticism and lectures and discipline kind of thing, but through these positive moments. And sometimes you only need to collect their hearts for just a few minutes, and then they'll wander off reregulated, reconnected, and ready to go play and invent and imagine on their own. So I think this is just so beautiful that we can allow them to become comfortable in their attachment, in their connection. We can soothe their, like I said, this emptiness or this void or this loneliness by saying, Here am I. Here am I to be that anchor for you.

Kelsey Redd:

And you can also rest in your own stillness, your inner stillness. Again, the Holy Spirit, this is where the Holy Spirit speaks to them when they're ready to get to that step in their life. And they will know the message that they will receive is that you are mine. You are loved. You belong.

Kelsey Redd:

I'm here for you. I'm always here. I am your anchor. I just wanted to bring this up because I really do think this issue of attachments shifting onto peers is, like I said, much more of a problem than it was twenty years ago when this book was originally written. And I see it all the time in my own house.

Kelsey Redd:

And I think I've mentioned in past episodes that the more we've been homeschooling, and so my children are at home with me and each other more than they're with any of their friends, they're not in school with a classroom of same age peers and they're not even on summer vacation just playing with friends more often because all their friends are in school. So we're doing a lot of time connecting to each other. I can tell you, and I invite you to experiment with this in your own home, that the more they are attached to me, the more cooperative they actually are. I can see that they are picking up on the values of our family more than the values of the dog eat dog world of peer connections. And it's interesting to me that anytime I do, because obviously they play with friends and we have great friends and I'm so blessed to have a really amazing neighborhood with lots of kids and they would play with them as often as they could.

Kelsey Redd:

But I do notice that when they play for hours and hours, there's a shift that has to take place again when they come home because they have, like even in those times, you can tell that they have connected to those children and they're like playing by the rules of that society, that little micro society, and they're proving their assertiveness there. But when they're at home, they know what values are important and they know who to imitate and how to pick up their cues. So boredom isn't a problem to solve. It's actually a bridge. I love this thought of boredom as a bridge back to connection with us, and of course the creativity, and maybe even eventually communion with God.

Kelsey Redd:

So just take a breath. Don't, don't rush to fill the silence. Actually fill the space with yourself. Allow yourself to step into that space, that empty void that your child is experiencing, And let them rest in your presence until they can be comfortable resting in their own presence. So just another thought for you on the boredom idea and issue and hopefully something that you can take through this week and just kind of create that mindset shift to recognize that how can I step continually step into my child's life to create myself to place myself as the attachment anchor in their life as they even get older?

Kelsey Redd:

I know I speak for young kids because that's the age I have, but this is so critical for tweens and teens. They need to be anchored solidly to a parent so that they are not being completely influenced by peers and peers only. So I hope that helps you and I'm so glad that you are here with me. Thank you for joining me. Head over to show notes for more information on this book.

Kelsey Redd:

And if this episode or the last couple episodes have helped you or spoke to you in any way, would you mind just taking a minute to share it with another mom who might need the reminder or do a quick rating or quick review or even just connect with me over on Instagram creating. Intentional. Mothers I would love to connect. I will see you next time. And don't forget to hold on, hold on to your kids.

Kelsey Redd:

I'll see you on the next episode of Intentional Motherhood.