How to Parent Intentionally, Rather than Reactively

Hey there, amazing mamas. Today we're talking about the difference between intentional and reactive parenting and why being intentional doesn't just make your family life smoother, although it does, but it actually helps calm everyone's nervous system. Yep, today we're gonna be talking science, stories, and practical tips to help make your home a more peaceful place. Let's get started. Welcome to motherhood, the best job in the world.

I'm your host Kelsey Redd, a stay at home mom just like you, sharing relatable stories and practical parenting tips so you can find ultimate joy in mothering. So picture this, I know you can relate. It's 5PM, your four year old is having a meltdown over, who knows, a broken crayon. And you're juggling dinner prep, a work email, the crying baby, and you hear this meltdown happening behind you and you might just snap. Just stop crying over the crayon.

This is reactive parenting. We've all done it. Responding in the heat of the moment, driven by stress or frustration, and our own nervous system being hijacked into fight or flight. We've all been there and it's totally normal. But reactive parenting is like putting out fires without a plan.

It's inconsistent, it's emotional, and it's focused on the short term relief. Now let's contrast that with intentional parenting. This is about parenting with a purpose, guided by your values and a long term vision for your kids. Think of this as being the captain of a ship steering towards a destination, such as a strong trusting relationship with your child. Intentional parenting is consistent, it's reflective, and it's focused on teaching skills, not just stopping the chaos.

And here's the cool part. It's not just better for your kid's behavior, it's actually better for everyone's nervous system. Let me share a story. Last week, my now six year old spilled milk all over the kitchen floor. My gut reaction is to yell, why do we fill up the cup to the very top?

But I caught myself, took a deep breath, and said, oops, accidents happen. Let's get a towel and clean it up. That intentional moment hopefully is teaching responsibility, accountability, cleaning up your own messes, and it also kept us both calm. And this is where the nervous system comes in. Let's get nerdy for a second.

Your nervous system and your kids is like a traffic light. Green for calm, yellow for stressed, and red for full blown meltdown. When we react impulsively by shouting or giving into a tantrum, it spikes everyone's stress level into that red zone. It's like pouring fuel on a fire. Everyone's amped up and it actually takes a while to cool down.

And when these kinds of situations are coming up, what feels like every ten minutes, you can actually be stuck in a perpetual state of stress because you're never getting the calm down opportunities or at least not often enough. Intentional parenting on the other hand, keeps the traffic light green. When you pause, respond calmly, and focus on teaching, you model emotional regulation. This is why your own ability to regulate is so critical. And honestly, one of the most important things that you can do for your own parenting.

Your calm voice and a predictable response signals safety to your children's brain, helping them to also stay regulated. So this is why it's so important because it goes both ways. When you're intentional, you're less likely to hit that red zone yourself because you're not reacting to stress and you're helping regulate your children so that they're not jumping into the red zone. So this idea of parenting with the long term goal in mind and using that to inform all of your decisions along the way come from a couple that I love who wrote Parenting, Getting It Right, one of my favorite parenting books named Andy and Sandra Stanley. They talk about defining your parenting when.

I'm using quotes here. What is it that you want to accomplish as a parent? You can decide what that is, but the Stanleys argue that the most important parenting win is a strong relationship with your kid when they're an adult. And you use that to guide your actions. The Stanleys break up parenting into four stages, including discipline for younger children, skills training and teaching for school aged children, coaching and collaborating for teens, and ultimately friendship with your adult children.

Now you might be thinking, I've got fifteen years before I have adult children. I've got ten years before I have an adult child. Why am I thinking about friendship with my adult children? But that's exactly what being intentional is all about. Being intentional means you're matching your approach to your child's stage in life with the long term goal in mind so that ultimately everything you're building, even from years in advance, leads up to what it is that you want more than anything, which is a loving friendship with your adult children when they no longer have to be stuck in your home, but they want to spend time with you because you have that relationship.

So coming back to my example, yelling at my daughter for spilling milk doesn't teach her anything other than mom is someone to be feared and I'm gonna get in trouble for mistakes. Instead, guiding her to clean it up and working together keeps nervous systems in check, but also keeps the relationship as the priority. So how do we do this? Here are three tips inspired partly by the Stanley's principles to help you be more intentional and keep those nervous systems calm. Tip number one.

You need to define your parenting win. Ask yourself, what is my long term goal? Again, the Stanleys say it's about building a relationship that lasts into adulthood. For me, means that my children feel safe to talk to me even as they go into their teenage years and that we want to be together as a family. Our kids want to be with us and siblings want to be around each other because of the relationship we've built.

And when you're tempted to react, think, does this move me toward my ultimate goal? It's like a mental pause button to keep you calm and keep you focused in the right direction. Tip number two, we need to match the stage that our kids are in. Our kids' needs are going to change as they grow up. For little ones, ages like zero to five, focus on simple, loving discipline, like redirecting toddlers from a tantrum with a calm voice.

Once we get to school age kids, we'll be doing more training, teaching them skills, like helping your seven year old to make a checklist for their homework. Later on, teens need coaching, asking questions and letting them learn how to make decisions for themselves. Matching your stage keeps your responses predictable and allows you to relate to your child in a way that they can understand. And tip number three, create calming rituals. I love to talk about rituals.

Rituals are like anchors in your family culture. Try a gratitude moment where everyone shares something they're grateful for, a transition ritual to ease through tough moments, or other consistent practices that will signal safety and stability to your kids' brains, thereby reducing stress for everyone. So again, when we're reactive, we are just putting out fires left and right, but we're not giving our kids the skills to know what to do next time or building the relationship that helps them to know that we're a safe place. Intentional parenting doesn't just shape better behaviour, it actually creates a calmer, happier home. When you're intentional, you're not just reacting to every little meltdown or spill.

You're teaching your kids how to handle life's ups and downs. You're teaching them the skill of emotional regulation. You're modeling your own emotional regulation. And by staying calm, you are helping their little nervous systems and yours to stay in the green zone. It's like giving your family a gift, a home where people feel safe, connected, and able to grow.

So parents, your challenge for this week is to pick one intentional move, whether it's a calming ritual or a pause before you react. Maybe it's just practicing your own emotional regulation skill outside of parenting so that you're better equipped to handle your children once you've gotten a little bit more practice. You don't have to be perfect, just purposeful. Thanks for listening. I'd love to hear your stories.

If you're having a hard time in your mothering journey, reach out to me. Let's talk. Let's see if we can find a plan that works for you to feel a little bit more empowered in your mothering. Or if you're having success or even just hilarious stories, reach out to me on Instagram and tell me about it. I love to hear these stories and I want to share your stories.

I'll see you next time. And remember, you're doing an amazing job. If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to follow the show, leave a review and share it with a mom friend. I'll see you next time on Motherhood, the best job in the world.